Pinned toot

Sometimes I think the role of art is to justify our obsession with it while the world around us avoidably fucking bites it.

A deadline is coming up soon, and I am probably going to go into work today because I can't do late nights on Monday or Tuesday.

I offered to work on some map scrolling/zooming code. I'm looking forward to it because it's conceptually in my comfort zone and I'm just about familiar enough with the new syntax to actually pull it off!

Need to pace myself a little though.

It's a never ending process to learn these systems, but I'm starting to feel my sense of capability coming back. It's replacing my sense of total uselessness & dread.

I was absolutely bricking it, joining this new job. Terrified that I'd have nothing to bring to the table because I didn't know the engine, and had to relearn cpp. (And learn css and xml with practically no prior experience).

It was hairy for a while and I was despairing a lot, but after some good talks with various people I knuckled down, jumped in with both feet, learned, and sought guidance. I'm now feeling much more confident about my ability to help.

Every time I have a panic attack, and let someone know, it kinda freaks them out and I feel like I can't come to them again, in case it's too much emotional labour for them to deal with on the regular. I know how qbert feels I guess.

It would be nice if I could flick a switch and not be like this.

I keep being told "stop beating yourself up." "stop being so hard on yourself", "you're only human".

None of it is sticking. My hard default is to assume that I've always done something wrong, and I'm an irredeemable shit.

Daily, I find new ways in which I don't measure up.

I'm tired of being this way but I can't seem to change.

Recently, indulging in work has been the only real escape. I know "your job will not save you", but I'm looking around and thinking, well, noone else is going to.

I'm doing OK thanks, I suspect, to some anti anxiety meds slowly kicking in.

I was having a lot to worry about but I can only deal with what I can deal with, so I'm glad I'm stripping the unduly energetic worry.

Blarg, feeling vaguely sick. Pre travel nerves I hope. Too many nerves, recently. Too exposed.

(I can say this on here)

I'm just not that sure about those games as a medium anymore, y'all.

Was there ever a time they weren't commodified?

Was there ever a time they gave a voice to the truly struggling?

"Doctor, doctor; I'm finding it impossible to find any enjoyment."

"A new game is out this week. You should pick it up. You'll have fun!"

"But Doctor, I *am* its game designer!"

And that's my live journal post.

Seriously I can only say this stuff here because if I did it on twitter I would have endless threads i can't respond to in time/without offending people.

My twitter face is paper thin now. Practically just a bunch of fart jokes and gif retweets. What's the point? Wassapoint?

I really want to get back to experimentation. Embrace game mechanics tech and not just computer tech. I want to reclaim my joy of mechanics design. I just don't see any route to doing that. Not without insensible risk.

I've been done on games for a while and I'm just not being won over by this stuff. I know I should be looking more to the indie space and, yeah, sometimes games with fresh ideas and new voices are pulling me in unexpected directions. What I lack right now are moments of wonder that started me off. Little mechanics that click nicely in my brain. Or the secret little knack of a roughly hewn movement mechanic rushing me through exciting environs.

I feel so disenfranchised about the medium.

This sounds like dumb regressive ludo vs. narrative whining, but christ there's some dull gameplay in mainstream games. They could be so much more engaging, without compromising narrative goals.

Some really talented people worked on this. Including the combat designer. There's good thoughts in the game play, but there's a lot of trite and perfunctory features.

Worrying about a 13.5% dodge efficiency boost vs a 12.5% reload speed boost. Honestly, who cares about this stuff? Just busy work.

It's not enough for me at this point. I just feel like I'm wasting my life on another shooter without a coherent combat design. It's a list of features that doesn't fully realise it has to function as a full combat ecology.

I like the weapon's narrative design more than I like the weapons as systems.

Combat just isn't fun.

It's aim and shoot and hope and hide. I never feel clever. I feel at the whim of the physics engine whenever I TK.

The boss fights get more tedious the hard they get.

I was sort of enjoying the story of control, just in that "what's remedy doing this time" sort of a way. But it doesn't quite land for me

The combat was DOA. The powers were token. I spent most of the game waiting for the crux of the game to begin but it never did

Aim your guns of varying scatter pattern and fire rate. Enemies' only ways of being interesting are having two types of health bar, or being friendable.

Combat systems this dull always make you lean on the story to get you through.

I'm not actually fixing the issue that my self worth is tied to my ability at work (and I'm learning a new engine so I feel extremely useless right now). Thankfully senior staff are very aware of this sensation, and are understanding and encouraging any time I reach out. It's just that reaching out always makes me feel more vulnerable... Exposing my helplessness & ignorance.

I'm also still conflicted about cancel culture stuff because you don't get the whole picture in a few online messages. There's always two sides to a sorry. Everyone is flawed and not everyone deserves to have their attempts to reconcile past bad behavior thwarted by labelling them as borderline, sociopathic, or psychopathic.

But still. Shocked at people I trusted being such shits.

In the wake of various allegations, I've heard further as yet unpublicised allegations. I've agreed not to say anything as the victims would prefer to take it at their own pace, but despite unfollowing the alleged individuals I am still seeing their content recommended due to the algorithms, and god almighty, the things they have to say are egregiously hypocritical and bullying in their tone.

It is as if they are projecting outward all the malfeasance they assume they'll be accused of.

Is that a completely facile thing to say?

I dunno. Dunking on big companies feels way less succulent when you know how it feels to be inside a place.

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