Having a hard time figuring out why I feel so off, but I think I've cracked it, and it's pretty obvious. Visa stuff keeps me in a permanent state of imbalance and uncertainty, like when you're just about to jump a gap and you're trying to think of everything that could go wrong. Been like this for months.
Hypervigilance is exhausting and no doubt boring for others to hear about.
Working away from my team for so long is tough. There's an end in sight but I'm regularly having to stop wild trains of thought to reassure myself that it's all going to be OK.
I can't tell if my mind is particularly cruel to me about these things, or if this situation is low key really gruelling. Possibly both.
A few people have mentioned how impressed they are with how I'm coping with it. That immediately tells me that this is considered hard. So. Something to be a bit proud of?
Petulance Show more
Maybe just keep it to yourself, mate. (Yes I'm bad at taking criticism) (this isn't even useful criticism. Why don't people just fuck off?) (why am I not surprised at people in tech's lack of tact?)
Bad Mood Show more
Ugly emotions exist in all of us. What can you do but try to work them out?
Bad Mood Show more
Making games can be extremely difficult. I'm sorry to say that in my current state of mind, when I see people pull something off relatively easily, I'm overcome with jealousy. And then I get pompous and think to myself "oh, well, I'm trying to do it the proper way". And when I hear myself say that, I realise that I'm scared I can't actually do it at all. Not smart enough to keep it simple.
I know this is impostor syndrome. Giving it a name doesn't make it go away.
Trying to put together this hyper-resume stuff for an exceptional alien visa and, it's like judgement day in my brain.
I'm so naturally compelled to undersell myself exactly because the process of trying to sell myself feels like catching my reflection in a hall of mirrors and all of them are unflattering.
I sound like a totally self obsessed narcissist.
I feel the need to announce how gross it feels to offset the ego-centrism of the process.
Orange boy joke/true story Show more
I showed a psychoanalyst that painting of Trump and the boys.
"So what's your diagnosis?"
He shrugs a little, pauses, sighs -
"We are fucked".
Kinaestician. Valve. CampoSanto.
idlethumbs.social is one server in the network